Elliott Smith - Somebody That I Used To Know
Hah. I'm in no mood to summarize articulately what graduation was like, or what beginning to study the bar has been like, or any of the other things that have been happening. Imagine feeling all the support and excitement of going to your own wedding, but without a partner or any idea of what the future holds. The exact opposite outcome of a wedding, less downside, and I had no idea that that was what I was about to feel. Like stripping down and jumping into a bath of cold honeysuckle water. You climb out of it and don't quite know what to make of yourself. Pomp and Circumstance will do that to you.
Most of my favorite music or artists first crossed my playlists when I was fourteen or so. Did you know Wikipedia's trying to tell me that Elliott Smith didn't actually kill himself, that the cause of his death is a mystery?
There have been a few times in my life where I feel so full that I don't know if I can go on. I've lived a lot of life, it feels like, already. And more is coming? Heaps and heaps of more, more, more events and people to pop out and surprise and delight and challenge.
The other night I sat on my shins before yoga, wearing my cheetah print leggings. I looked down and laughed out loud at how big my thighs have gotten while I studied and practiced what I like to call 'finals lavage.' With how realistic the leggings looked, it appeared I was looking down at a chubby lil cheetah. Lord, girl! A sign of your prosperity! I couldn't stop giggling at myself; I reminded myself of my niece. She talks and jokes with herself when she wakes up. My kind of woman. It was the first yoga class I'd gone to after graduation. I'm introspective to a fault but because my feelings are so strong (I'm a bona fide hypersensey...), I need to isolate myself from them (...with the appearance of an Ice Queen). They tend only to manifest when I'm physical or watching good ads. So I centered myself and brought my hands to my heart and felt a kind of glow. I smiled in that way you do where you hear thunder near your ears. I don't want for nothing. I felt so much excitement I couldn't keep my eyes closed during savasana. She don't want for nothing. I went home and cried and cried to the Mad Men finale. I can't remember the last time I had tears for something real.
Thornton Dial
If I wanted to let loose, I could be Lewis Black, or Drew Barrymore, or Daria. I'll take a damper pedal for my feels, please. And I do believe in expression, and honesty, but also in subtlety. I prefer to hold a mirror to others rather than express my own discord.
I'm my own best audience, anyway. Maybe I'll find someone to ramble on about plans and impressions one day, but the poor soul would need a good ear with a lot of stamina. It seems to me I am so much I'm Herculean. I am so full I need a shell; try and eat me and your belly explodes. I am not searching for an other to suffocate, I'm looking out for mankind in my mountain or Gatsbying in the corner. I'd rather bleat in a chorus than deafen some poor civilian.
So, I may have ignored a handsome few soul mates this year on the metro or at the gym or karaoke. But I like to think about it --- if you have a soul mate can you mess things up with them? Can you act in such a way that you never meet them in the first place? I find the idea of rejecting a soul mate before you get to know them hilarious; denying such an opportunity seems like the biggest middle finger to God you could ever muster. "Oh, you and I know all the same people and have laughed together and we have the same book? How funny! Okay, see you never!" Apologies, Fortuna. I'm too content in my nihilism, my eyes selfish and unfocused. Somewhere in south Florida my mom just got a chill down her spine.
A pig in shit or a bird in a bath? Both beasts seem happy enough before slaughter.