Grizzly Bear - Two Weeks

I first really listened to this song driving home from a funeral in Asheville for one of my ex boyfriend's best friends. Asheville is such a beautiful place. Mountain people drive quickly. I was always looking for bears.

At the time, it felt like a punchline to an immensely confusing and sad weekend. It was a knowing summer song, staring at us directly in the eyes while we threw our gaze out towards the trees, our fingers in the wind. 

No old stories need be shared here; they're callous and unnecessary. Two Weeks keeps speaking to me as I get older.

I'm a few days out from the bar and I have finally reached the point where I can't separate it from the rest of my life. Of course, it is a waste of time and mistake to pretend this life we're living is linear. It tends to appear so only when we force ourselves to accept that illusion. It's said that our past is just a story we tell, to make sense of ourselves, to ourselves. When we look behind us, we'd like to think we climbed a ladder or came by foot.

In reality we create a path and encounter friends foes and circumstances that we would have never dreamed up and traverse at unknown speeds. We go sideways or backwards or sometimes wake up far away from where we rested our heads the evening before. Someone captures us and takes us up into the clouds for a spell; isn't it nice. We are everywhere all at once. I think life is more a series of segments , like cells, than steps, and our fondest memories mark the walls of each (uhh guess we're a plant). 

It is an honor to find yourself in a time that you are sure is one of those critical moments. You're never wrong about that. And of course you can't tell people these things, unless you live in California or you are too tired to sound reasonable.

Yeah, studying for the bar really sucks. But aside from this task that I willingly took on and which thousands of other people took on that currently serves no benefit to humanity whatsoever, the universe seems to be rooting me on.  Uber drivers give me high fives and the sun shines on so brilliantly. I'm here doing what Eve Carson could never do. I don't know if she would have hated it, too. I really doubt it. She wanted to go to med school.

Now I am ashamed that I have turned this construction that is the bar exam into a talking point. I didn't try that hard not to, and the older I get the more I have to say. I'm human, and I never claimed to be terse.